The Parable of Paul
In Search of Home
(A parable of one man’s life before and then after the 4H Coaching Process from BHL Coaching. His life is a synthesis of a few stories.)
The children were running circles around the living room one Saturday morning with their dad, Paul, at the kitchen table hunched over Instagram, barely noticing when his wife said “Hi” on her way in from yoga. His mind had been churning for the past twenty minutes after he saw how one of his high school classmates just celebrated the premiere of a third independent film.
How does he make money doing that kind of thing?! Paul’s envy and judgment collided within.
Paul had been here before. Just last month it was a college friend whose neighborhood “Plant-a-Tree” campaign ten years ago had blossomed into a citywide eco-movement with notable involvement from local businesses, non-profits, and the city itself.
We used to plant those trees on campus together! That time it was envy and regret that collided within.
Eventually, Paul looked up and glanced through his backyard window to the nearby park. A few teenage guys gathered for a pickup game.
I don’t even know who I’d call if I wanted to shoot hoops. This time, a kind of nostalgic lament grew within.
Much like the kids that very moment, such thoughts increasingly ran around inside of Paul, bumping uncomfortably close to things that were not supposed to topple.
Distract them for a while, and they’ll run out of steam eventually, right?
But like Paul’s kids, the thoughts showed a stunning tenacity to keep going. In fact, the thoughts had no intention of stopping until Paul gave them the singular thing he was trying his best not to provide: his full attention.
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There are many successful, caring, and good-hearted leaders in every field. Some lead a team, some lead a project, and some lead an entire organization. All alike know the unique pressure of that responsibility.
And, all alike eventually encounter seasons where no amount of previous accomplishment or success seems to assuage the nagging sense of disconnect. Discontent, even.
Busyness - the tried and true medication of years past - increasingly is unable to ward off the growing sense that there must be something more. Or something else.
The question becomes this:
Will the leader make the single most courageous leadership decision they’ve faced to date? Rather than stuff the thoughts down, suppress them, or medicate them away… will the leader choose to face the thoughts openly? Honestly? Thoroughly?
Because the truth is, those thoughts are coming from the deepest places within, and they arrive as an invitation.
An invitation to reconnect to their deepest values, unique gifts, and central purpose - and discover fresh freedom and courage living in light of those. It’s an invitation that - if answered - will bring about a genuine, good, and profound transformation in all aspects of the leader’s life. And a greater impact across the board.
But… it is near-impossible for any of us to hear or heed this invitation alone. We need someone who has previously walked this wilderness terrain. Someone familiar with the wild thoughts, the persistent discontent, and the important things we fear might topple over.
We need a guide.
An ally.
A coach.1
6-Months Later… (after going through the 4H Coaching Process)
The children were running circles around the living room table as Paul and his wife put the finishing touches on the family dinner, complete with the first batch of fresh veggies harvested from the garden they’d started five months ago.
“Ok, dad,” the oldest said as the family sat for dinner. “What was your rose today?”
The children had recently enjoyed starting the “Rose and Thorn” dinner rhythm with dad since his answers were a lot more fun and unpredictable these days.
“My rose was… Music Morning with the family!”
At the beginning of the coaching process, Paul realized how much his music meant to him - and how little he had played in the last decade. After bringing his studio back together, he began working on a couple of new tunes, and he founded the “Music Mornings” - a family gathering where everyone finds an instrument and plays whatever they want. It’s loud and crazy, especially since no one is following any kind of sheet music.
But something about not following the prescribed notes feels right for Paul at this stage in his life.
“And what about your thorn, dad?”
“Thorn? I’m sad about our beautiful oak in the front yard,” Paul responded.
The great oak had taken a pretty big hit during last winter’s storm, and it was going to need to come down. Fortunately, Paul had recently reconnected with his college friend whose Plant-a-Tree campaign had taken off, and that friend provided Paul with a host of thoughtful ways that the tree’s wood could be recycled.
Paul was particularly excited about using some of the wood on a camping trip later that year. It’d been forever since he had spent a night outdoors, but during Paul’s season of reconnecting, he and his family managed to get the trip on the calendar with two other families.
Something about being outdoors as much as possible also feels very right for Paul at this stage in his life.
A buzz vibrated through Paul’s phone. Paul reached over, but unlike years past he did not respond. He simply turned the phone to mute and turned his attention back to the rose-and-thorn rhythm.
When Paul first began putting up boundaries around his work life, he was confident this would deeply disappoint those he worked with and likely cost the organization some momentum. It surprised him when his recent 360 review included a number of folks commenting on how it seemed Paul had never been more focused, present, and motivated in his entire life. “Infectious energy” was mentioned no fewer than three times.
Something about having clarity around where and how to say “no” and where and how to say “yes” feels very right for Paul at this stage in his life.
Indeed, one of the bigger ‘yeses’ Paul had made in recent days involved pitching his workplace on some creative collaborations with some local nonprofits so as to more meaningfully address some of the pressing, local challenges. It had been a while since giving energy actually gave more energy back - but that is precisely what Paul was finding as he honed in on ways to use his gifts to best serve others.
Crash! One of the children accidentally knocked over a vase of fresh flowers from the garden. The water, glass, and flowers were everywhere. Sometimes things good things topple, don’t they? Paul mused momentarily to himself.
“Who wants to join in the clean-up party?!” Paul exclaimed as he jumped up for the table to grab towels for everybody.
—
To be sure, the challenges remain for Paul. He and his wife’s parents are getting older, their oldest already seems to be entering the teenage years, and there are significant organizational changes on the work horizon - let alone the pressing challenges of the wider community in which Paul now finds himself deeply invested.
But, with new-and-growing friendships, the energy of his 20-year-old self, and a deep sense of clarity on his values, purpose, and direction - Paul has never felt more confident in his ability to navigate, lead, and thrive amid the challenges. If Paul had one word to summarize what he now felt it would be this:
Home.
At home with his his gifts, his purpose, and his vision.
At home with his own family and friendships.
At home, even, with all of the messy imperfection within and without.
