I scanned into my local gym one early morning a few weeks ago. My name popped up on the front desk screen and one of the two women working behind the desk asked me a question I receive not infrequently.
“How do you pronounce your name?”
My response took us to an unexpected place, ripe with lessons about life and leadership. But, before we get there, I think appreciating my response requires some context. And, along the way, I’ll share some leadership insights I have learned through the various ways I have responded to this question.
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I used to start with what I thought was a practical, helpful direction: “‘Hulme-Lippert…’ So…it’s like ‘Home’ but ‘Hulme.’ Then ‘Lippert.’”
Over time I’ve picked up on the fact that even as people nod in affirmation like I’m helping them, their wide eyes and quiet response make clear that what they really saying is: This is not helping. Don’t try to tell me about your last name by using a word that’s similar - but actually different.
It’s a bit like trying to tell someone unfamiliar with US sports, “We call the sport ‘football.’ You know? Like foosball.”
(Not really the same thing. Photo by Mpho Mojapelo and leah hetteberg on Unsplash)
Leadership Key #1: Similar-but-Different is Not Helpful
Not with last names nor with leading, coaching, and mentoring.
How many times do people come along with a basic question…
“Can you help me grow my business?”
“Can you help me with this project?”
“Can you give me some guidance on this?”
And then we provide a similar-but-different kind of response:
”Sure, I can help! Your business/project/issue sounds a lot like this thing I helped fix last year…or at that other company…or at this other event….or with this other person.”
People nod in affirmation, I’m sure. But usually their eyes are wide and every other part of their body language is saying: This is not helping.
I know firsthand that the one guaranteed way to watch the eyes of church members glaze over with full inattention during a sermon is by leading with this sentence: “In the last church I served we…”
People are not interested in our similar-but-different reflection.
It muddies the water.
More, it feels like we’re not attentive to the uniqueness of who they are and the challenges they face.
True, similiar-but-different may provide helpful wisdom further down the road in the relationship or project, but up-front where we’re still learning the names and context - it’s not helping.
Full attention to the unique person/context is the fundamental starting place for leading, coaching, and mentoring.
So I stopped with the similiar-but-different “Home” approach. Instead, I just said my name three times, slowly and deliberately.
Hulme-Lippert.
Hulme-Lippert.
Hulme-Lippert.
Who can argue with some good ol’ fashion repetition?
Except I began noticing that same affirmative head nod complete with the quiet, wide-eyed body language declaring This is not helpful.
Because now the person feels they have no option but to say my last name correctly.
Goodness - they just heard it three times! How could they possibly forget it?! Mess it up?! They have to get it right at this point and forevermore.
Leadership Key #2 - Should is a Terrible Motivator
How many times do we show up to lead, coach, or mentor, and we declare the truth:
You need a compelling mission and vision!
You need a compelling mission and vision!
You need a compelling mission and vision!
You need practical, measurable, time-bound goals!
You need practical, measurable, time-bound goals!
You need practical, measurable, time-bound goals!
You need to speak your truth!
You need to speak your truth!
You need to speak your truth!
It may the dead-on-right-answer. It may feel deeply compelling and urgent that you say it and they hear it. But, when people feel the weight of “should”…
I really should now know how to say “Hulme-Lippert.”
I really should have a compelling mission and vision and practical goals and speak my truth (and also workout 5x a week and sleep 8 hours a night and stretch twice-a-day and drink 8oz of water an hour and floss each night and…)
…we Shut. Down.
(Should it up)
If “should” is the main motivation we give for someone to act, it really does not matter how right our answer or insight. Others may nod in affirmation, but you better believe the rest of their body is out of the door and running as far away as possible from the should shame that’s already piled high from every other corner of life.
Though we may not realize it at first, one of the fundamental reasons we look for a coach, mentor, or guide is because we’re eager to stop pushing forward from a place of should and instead figure out what it looks like to be moved forward on a more invigorating, sustainable kind of fuel (more on that below).
Eventually I came to realize that nobody was being helped by my similar-but-different “home” guidance. Nor were they helped by the pounding repetition of the correct pronunciation.
So I tried something new when they asked about the pronunciation.
I began saying, “Hulme-Lippert.”
(Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash)
Followed by a long pause.
Almost every single time, the pause was then filled by the real question they wanted to ask:
“What’s the story with that name?”
Sure, many do want to know how to pronounce it. But, I’ve come to find that most people want the story.
My name is different, strange, can’t place it… What’s the story?
Coaching Key #3 - Stories Build Trust, and Trust is the Arena of Transformation
If we are leading, coaching, or in a position of any measure of influence, the fundamental truth is this: people want to sense a connection with us. A chance to relate.
Because whether they can articulate it or not, the most fundamental currency in every form of leadership is trust. It is the singular arena in which we are willing to open, stretch, and change from that deep (too often) untapped reservoir of internal motivation.
And stories build trust. Their stories. Our stories.
What’s the story of your name? = Who are you?
What’s the story of your name? = Can I connect and relate?
What’s the story of your name? = Is there a bridge of trust that can be built here?
When the moment comes to tell a part of our story, we have one more choice:
Tell the Shiny Story or the Hard Story?
Shiny Story:
“Well, my wife grew up ‘Hulme.’ I grew up ‘Lippert.’ Since, you know, we’re such a thoughtful, open-minded, modern couple who equally value one another we decided to have that reflected in our last name. Aren’t I/we amazing?!”
Or maybe our shiny story sounds like this:
”I started this business, and it grew. And did record sales last year. On track for more this year. Been recognized by so and so publication, as you may have seen. I am confident you can trust us with your issue/challenge/project because, well, look at our story! Aren’t I/we amazing?!”
Hard Story:
(Photo by Andrew Neel on Unsplash)
We got married young and went with my last name (Lippert). But three years into our marriage my wife asked me about taking her last name (Hulme) as part of our last name.
The first time she brought this up I felt a strange queasiness in my stomach. Where is this coming from? I thought. It’s just a few letters in either direction we’re talking about here.
And yet the unease would not let go.
I said things like “But then we’ll need to change our driver’s license which takes forever to process, and it might be confusing for other folks who got used to knowing us one way. And let’s not forget our Netflix DVD subscription! Gonna have to contact all these different mailings for billing updates, you know.”
What I was really saying is, “For reasons I cannot put into words, this is a super hard to consider.”
It was existential crisis of identity, name, and self-understanding that unfolded over the course of about a year’s time.
I don’t know the degree to which others (usually women) in our society go through this process when considering or doing a name change, but I have to imagine its not nothing - and very well may be quite a lot, regardless of how joyfully the change may be embraced.
It humbled me to discover that in other places and times in this world, the last name traditions differ. Wait! Why is my last name assumption so deeply embedded as ‘right’ for me/us?
It genuinely surprised me to discover how deeply a few letters were roots to an identity that runs generationally-deep. Was there a way to remain rooted and also something new, at once?
I’m proud of my wife, her name, and our name together…but goodness me, some humble soul-digging was required for the day to arrive when I walked into a judge’s office to make official the additional five letters and a hyphen.
(It could be argued that all of life is processing the addition of hyphens. New family. New jobs. New homes. New realities we did (or didn’t) plan for.)
Of the questions you are sometimes asked… what’s the hard story?
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As I stood by the gym’s front desk, I went with the third option. I said “Hulme-Lippert.”
I paused.
And as if on cue, one of the women asked, “So, what’s the story with that?”
I offered a brief version of the hard story. Her response?
“Oh. My. Gaaaawd!!!!!”
Up until then all three of us were basically half-awake. Now, she was alive, animated, and making sure everybody else dragging through the gym was also getting a fresh jolt.
The other woman behind the desk included. She spoke up immediately: “I tried to see if my husband would take my name, and he was like “No.” She then smirked with a slight eye roll.
The first woman added, “Ha! I was too young to think to ask my first husband something like that. Now? I ain’t got plans to marry again but if I did that man better recognize I’m keeping my name just like it is. Save some money on all the forms that would need to be changed! Ha!”
No major life transformations happened to any of us in those few moments of conversation. But, I could readily tell that the real story - even abbreviated - opened a different kind of space.
The kind where honest comments and reflections were offered.
The kind where people entrust one another with slightly deeper truths about themselves.
The kind of space where one person speaks and the next one is eager to chime in with a “yes and…” sentiment.
Because in those spaces, the most natural thing in the world is to build the bridge of trust, which is comprised of dozens of ‘yes and…’ steel beams.
(Photo by Zhu Hongzhi on Unsplash)
Maybe the best way to put it is this:
When it comes to leadership and building community in general…
Don’t make it about yourself (similar-but-different stories)
Don’t make it about how someone needs to do better (should shame)
Listen to their unique stories. And tell true stories. That in and of itself is the workout. Often comprised of lots of ‘yes and…’ steel beam lifts.
And like any workout routine, the growth and change happens over time. It’s also genuine, lasting, and undeniable.
So, any of us plan on making it to the gym today? Even if we’re not, what if we listen to the questions we are asked today? Someone else may very well be inviting us there anyway.
Hyphen... it’s like a dash... it’s punctuation that builds community.
Very clever!