“We the people…”
For all the debates and differences over the Constitution of the United States, it’s the very first word of the entire sentence that captures the challenge all by itself.
For it is a genuine sense of We that has most especially, most enduringly, and most painfully proven impossible to realize.
Mostly, we have been a divided people.
Some free and some enslaved.
Some with rights and some without.
Some trusted and some not.
Occasionally, we have been at war with one another.
Many times, a mixture of seething distrust and political violence have punctuated our story.
Still always,
perhaps miraculously,
and only in fits and starts,
(and frequently in word more than deed),
we go on naming a desire to “form a more perfect union.”
Fragile, quite fragile, is that desire in our time, however…
For my part, I do not and cannot pretend to carry forth the mantle of this We project with new insights or angles previously unconsidered.
Rather, what I offer is based simply on my prior experience serving churches with diverse, multigenerational, and multi-political party memberships. It’s a roadmap not for revamping the current political scene, the easy mudslinging, or the significant injustices and layers of bureaucracy that plague our system.
More specifically, it’s a three-fold approach for discovering “a more perfect union” at the relational level. The local level. The level of our daily lived experience.
—
BELIEF - Everybody is a Multitrack Album
A few years ago I gathered a multigenerational group of church leaders for a potluck. They frequently worked together for the good of the church, but there was not always a lot of time for them to learn about one another at a relational level - a sometimes strange irony that can occur in churchland.
I was excited about the potluck because it offered space for person-to-person connection without any sort of agenda or tight timeline, but I also knew from experience that many of us - myself included - can struggle to connect meaningfully in polite settings. The weather, sports, local gossip, and perhaps a toe-dip into the latest political gaffe are default conversations for us.
About three weeks before the potluck, I was reading a book by a prominent therapist who talked about a time when he and his wife invited a few friends to their house, and uniquely, they had asked each person to consider sharing about one song that was somehow representative of their life in that season.
Creative, I thought. And it sounded like the individuals at that dinner had a great time learning quite a bit about one another. So, I figured I’d try a version of it.
“Dear leaders,” I wrote in an email to the thirty of them. “One unique aspect of our dinner together: I am inviting each of you to submit one song that is somehow representative of your teenage years. I am going to compile your submissions and make that the background soundtrack of our potluck. Then, during dessert, we will circle up and share briefly 1) which song is ours and 2) why we chose it.”
And one by one, leaders began submitting songs.
My Girl by The Temptations
If I Ever Lose My Faith in You by Sting
Stairway to Heaven by Led Zepplin
Walk on the Wild Side by Lou Reed
Closing Time by Semisonic
Light My Fire by The Doors
One of Us by Joan Osborne
Night Fever by the Bee Gees
And many more (the full list can be found on Spotify here).
Fascinating diversity! Fascinating stories behind the choices, too. And inspiring the laughter, reflection, and new connections made through the exercise as folks listened to one another over dessert on the evening of the potluck.
But perhaps most fascinating of all?
It was the thing I did not expect, and yet it has become the very thing that has happened each time I have done this activity with a group of leaders.
Each time I do it, some of the leaders inevitably say to me ahead of the potluck gathering, “Bobby, seriously? Only one song!”
“One song,” I reply. “The list gets too long if everyone starts picking more!”
“But, Bobby,” they’ll say. “That’s so hard! I mean… my teenage years were… a lot!”
And then they’d say some version of the following…
“When I think across those years and how I changed and my friend experiences and my family experience and all the rest… Part of me was outgoing. Part of me was shy. Part of me loved those years. Part of me does not want to think of those years. Part of me was really happy. Part of me was really angry. Part of me believed I could do anything. Part of me believed I’d been dealt a really bad hand.”
“How?!” They would add, “How in the world could one song capture all of that?!”
“I guess it is a bit challenging,” I would reply. And then I’d usually counsel them not to overthink it, have some fun, and then just pick one :)
But then the significance of the ‘pick one song representative of your teenage years’ challenge hit me when one leader said, “It really doesn’t matter what season of life it is. It’s always hard to pick just one song that captures all of who I am.”
And there it was. The thing. The insight I never saw coming from this fun, simple exercise.
All of us are a multitude of songs.
If pressed to use songs to describe our personality, our beliefs, our hopes, our strengths, our weaknesses, and our way of being in the world… inevitably we’d share songs that have a wide variety of genres, lyrics, emotions, and depth. Some of our choices would even be contradictory! Or paradoxical, if we’re being generous.
Me?
I’m going with 1-2 from each of the following: Cher, Bone Thugs-N-Harmony, George Strait, Taylor Swift, Bach, Lionel Ritchie (he gets three songs), Miles Davis, Chris Botti, Carrie Newcomer, Bruno Mars, Armik, Kirk Franklin and The Family, Leslie Odom Jr, Whitney Houston, Sarah McLachlan, the Rudy soundtrack, Caedmon’s Call, Zac Brown Band, Van Morrison, Anne Murray, Tracy Chapman, Dua Lipa, Indigo Girls, Jars of Clay, Lake Street Dive, Earth, Wind, and Fire, Metallica, and Kenny Loggins.
And I could go on!
And with your own album, so could you - I’m confident.
And that’s the point.
All of us are a wondrous, complex, paradoxical, surprising, plain-ol-fun, and (most importantly) beloved album. “I am large, I contain multitudes,” as Whitman declared so memorably.
Put another way: There is no such thing as a single-track person.
There is no such thing as a Blue.
or a Red.
or a That.
or a Them.
As soon as we distill another person to some kind of singular (usually terrible) essence, we’ve stopped listening for their music. Or, perhaps we’ve stopped believing that it exists.
Because the truth is, this is a belief. It’s a core assumption about humanity, and one that is taken on faith - and hopefully undergirded by experience.
More, this particular belief is the fundamental belief one must have about the human beings around them if the next two Bs are going to have any hope of being realized.
Which means… even if we are confident we only hear one (perhaps awful) song coming forth from another person - are we willing to believe that that person is far more complex than the song that’s been on display and on repeat in recent days?
Are we willing to believe that other songs have, do, and will yet play forth from the lives around us?
Most daringly, are we even willing to believe each of these albums is at some essential level, beloved?1
—
BONDING:
If we believe that surprising albums play forth all around us, then our invitation is to make some music together!
Bonding is the Second B.
And while it’s a simple enough word-and-concept, it is one of the more urgent tasks of our time - particularly given the loneliness epidemic in which we find ourselves. We are a relational species, and we are starving a significant part of ourselves when we do not pursue and live into the gift of connection, colleagueship, and friendship.
But how? (especially in an age where many of us struggle to connect with one another beyond brief pleasantries, myself included!)
Much could be said here, but for now let me offer two ideas:
Let a Shared Endeavor and/or Facilitator Help - Risk showing up for a communal exercise group, a book club, a faith community, a walking club, a sewing club, a storytelling class etc… ideally with the central goal being, quite simply, connection. Having a shared endeavor makes the opening up easier. Having a decent facilitator in these arenas makes it even easier!
I recently showed up to a new group, and the facilitator opened with the following three prompts (after sharing our name and where we’re from):a. What’s your superpower?
b. What’s a ‘win’ you’ve had in the last week?2
c. Think of the challenges and opportunities you’ve had in the last month. Pick one that stands out. And then come up with a ‘headline’ that describes the essence of that challenge or opportunity. After a few quiet moments of gathering our thoughts, we then shared our headline aloud - plus as much or as little context as desired. Within 20 minutes, significant bonding occurred among a group that would otherwise never be in the same room together.
Notably, it’s perfectly fine to find a group where you feel connected by similar interests, goals, or beliefs. We all need a space where we feel seen and safe. Moving beyond that is Third B stuff, and we’ll get there soon enough :)Be Interested, Not Interesting - This is networking 101 advice, and it’s also bonding in-any-setting advice. Forget about having fascinating hobbies to share about, interesting can-you-believe-I-once-did-this stories, stunning achievements and awards, schools you’ve attended, zip codes in which you live, or titles you hold. Literally, just drop it all.
Instead, show up genuinely curious to hear another person’s album. And the best way to show forth curiosity (and so press ‘play’ on another’s album)? Ask questions. “Seek first to understand, then to be understood,” as Stephen Covey memorably advised.
The best questions begin with “What” or “How” because those are non-threatening, open-ended, and provide freedom for the person to respond as they wish - as opposed to feeling pressured by a question (which the likes of a ‘why’ question has more potential to do).Always we are one decent question from opening the symphony of another, I promise.
And by the way - study after study has shown that when you show up asking questions, looking to learn, and genuinely interested in those around them… the people with whom you interact end up seeing you as far more interesting, smart, and trustworthy. They feel a bond.3
Listening is a magnetic and strange thing, a creative force. When we are listened to, it creates us, makes us unfold and expand. -Karl Menninger
—
BRIDGING
And now we have arrived at The Third B - the one that is nothing short of a miracle when it unfolds in our time.
Writing earlier this week on her blog, Rev. Dr. Jan Edmiston wrote something deeply true about The Church - and a striking insight, too, if you receive it as the remedy and way forward for the nation as well:
“I believe that what makes The Church thrive is a culture of bridging - or connecting people who would not ordinarily know each other or spend time together. This is impossible if our church has a culture of stranger danger or racial biases or age discrimination or my-way-or-the-highway-ness or a high stink eye quotient when people "misbehave." They want "new people" but not if they have their own ideas. They want "young families" but only if they sit quietly.
Connecting people who would not ordinarily know each other or spend time together.
Where do you experience that in your life right now?
Where are there people with whom their beliefs, ethnicity, age or otherwise would normally mean you’d never connect with them and yet, because of some kind of shared endeavor or relational risk or happenstance… there you are, bridging?
Or… is the closest thing you have to this whatever takes place at the Thanksgiving table each November?
Healing.
Rekindled hope.
A semblance of we-ness.
These are wish-dreams for this country without everyday people risking both bonding and bridging. Bridging, especially.
I’ve written a decent amount about this on this Substack (Time to Re-Gift the Old School BoomBox, We Need More Junior High Dances, and The Time I Played Sheriff Givens and Nobody Laughed, for instance) because, quite frankly, I continue to see it as one of the most pressing issues of our time.
And I can still remember when I saw this topic rising quickly to the fore some 15 years. At that point, I began giving more Sunday sermons on it and found that they were usually received with eager and earnest head nods. Yes, the sentiment went. We have been ugly with one another, haven’t we? And we do need to build back some bridges with one another.
Anymore?
Honestly, I feel like a radical even suggesting a bridge way of being.
People are exhausted from, deeply angered by, and even fearful of those people.
That person.
One more word on that topic spoken by that side.
(And oftentimes sub-human words are now used where I have placed italics, always a sign that we are well on the road to the kind of dehumanization that makes hurting and killing one another much easier).
I confess that it seems our reality is consumed by Three Lesser Bs:
Breaches - of norms, laws, and commitments.
Breaks - of friendships, promises, integrity, and bodies.
Bullets - verbal and literal.
And they are so frequent, painful, and anger-inducing that the natural, unconscious sentiment among many of us is - well then, let’s just send a bunch of the same lesser B’s right back at them! And both sides feel quite justified in this because, of course, like many-a-fraught-marriage, both sides have a long memory and are quite confident that the other side threw the first Lesser B anyway.
But alas…
In our more lucid moments we know that the Lesser B’s can never be controlled.
They always take far more than we bargained for.
They always tear us from the inside out and the outside in.
Indeed, it is surely no accident that the bloodiest war in US history (and it’s not even close) remains the one where we tore one another apart from 1861-65.
Of course, its achievement proved vitally important - the freedom of those enslaved and a continued Union is a gift of supreme measure. At the same time, anyone who has glimpsed the frontlines of actual warfare knows this: do absolutely anything and everything to find another way.
—
Bridge people are radicals of that other way.
Wild children with peace pipes and long hair thinking some kind of musicfest might still be possible among people entrenched in very different arenas.
Or buttoned-up conservatives believing that a steady, predictable respect and humility given to each person encountered still carries the possibility of more good than the headlines would have us believe possible.
Or strange unicorns believing the We Project might still be worth working toward even if it feels like looking toward a distant horizon where sometimes you think you see the sun alighting upon a low sliver of land and then sometimes you think maybe it’s just your brain wishing it weren’t so dark.
No matter how you spin it, though, Bridge people cannot help but make the attempt, do the work, and cultivate spaces where surprising connections happen because - at the end of the day - that First B won’t let them go.
They know that they themselves are an album of complex, strange, funny, sad, happy, beloved, and even contradictory songs - and so they know that everyone else is, too.
Though once more the question is… but how? How does one do the bridge-building work?
As you might expect, there is no recipe for relational wholeness and connection where there are differences, hurts, and layers of wounding. It is the hardest work we’ll ever do.
Nevertheless, here are a few tips:
Check Out the Insights under the Bonding Section - they apply equally here.
Go for a Walk - Or prayer. Or meditate. Or cook. Or sew. Or woodwork. Or do all of these and more - but regularly do the things that allow you to get grounded. Feel the joy of your being. Receive love. It’s near impossible to engage fruitfully with someone challenging/different after we’ve spent the last hour scrolling the news or exhausted from the grind of work, caregiving, or the like.
Communicate through Stories - buzzwords, quips, and generalizations are poison for connection. Stories engage the heart, open the heart, and are themselves min-bridges. Much (much!) could be said here, but I’ve unpacked this point in another post entitled When the Heat Becomes Unbearable.
Attend or Hang out with People Who’ve Been in or Currently Attend a Recovery Group - I promise, these people are like Prophets of Goodness for our age because they know everything about humility, forgiveness, speaking from the first-person, the possibility of change, and sharing space-and-friendship with very different people who are nevertheless profoundly alike in struggle and beauty.
Have Patience - Lots of patience. Politics is identity-level stuff for a lot of people these days. And none of us shifts our fundamental sense of identity very quickly (no matter how rationally, clearly, and surely we see all the reasons the other person should change/shift/be different immediately).
Follow the 10% Rule - Shirzad Chamine has studied the human brain for decades. He and his team have also harnessed his insights to coach thousands of Fortune 500 executives, particularly around team-building, communication, and working together amid differences and disagreements. One of the fundamental aspects of his approach is what he calls The 10% Rule which states the following: always assume that no matter what another person says, at least 10% of what they say is right.
Our brain is wired to listen for disagreement/the negative (as a form of protection), especially the moment we sense someone believes something we do not.
The 10% rule invites our brain to continue along a path of bonding - ever-looking for an area or impulse (the 10% portion) from which we can continue to connect. Even when someone says something egregious to our ears - the idea is that even then there is some kind of emotional impulse or desire behind the words that we can pick up on and find connection.In improv comedy, this is called the “yes, and…” premise. It’s the idea that bonding, connection, and even laughter generate from building upon some thread or another that another has offered (rather than shutting the thread down with “no” or “yes, but…”).
Obviously, this approach has limitations and cannot safely and meaningfully work in every setting - and sometimes it would be downright unjust and painful to attempt it.
But… in the vast majority of our connections and conversations, it can prove a game-changer for building some measure of connection and so allow our conversation to unfold from an expansive, empathetic, creative space. A space, by the way, from which disagreements can be heard and discussed much more productively.
Don’t believe it?Truth is, the single most productive, connective, and insightful conversation I have ever been part of around the topic of immigration took place in 2019 in a room full of folks where many there happily considered themselves solidly Red or solidly Blue. And together, through the expert facilitation of the non-profit A House United and the use of group guidelines not dissimilar from The 10% Rule, ardent and differing voices were heard - including those of a couple of first-generation immigrants.
Did people change their perspectives, beliefs, or votes over that weekend of discussion and debate? Can’t say.
What mostly happened felt like what eventually can happen in effective marriage counseling; namely…
Sides don’t shift right away, but they do soften.
Nuance gains credibility.
New trust emerges even as difference remains.
More productive avenues forward begin unfurling.
Joint endeavors feel possible, even hopeful.
To be sure, leaning into the 10% rule and risking strange connections beyond your normal circle… this is Not. Easy.
Vulnerable is a word often used for this particular bridge.
Scary is another one.
No guarantees is a sentiment often associated with this bridge.
Love, too, is used. That’s probably the name this particular bridge goes by most frequently.4
—
“We the people…”
For those who hold out hope for the We Project, the broad brushstrokes of a map are found in Three Bs:
Belief - There are no single-track people. Every person is a fascinating, fulsome, paradoxical, and beloved album.
Bonding - In an age of isolation and loneliness, this is an urgent need, opportunity, and gift.
Bridging - The most important road unto the distant land of We. And a vision altogether tenuous, no doubt.
But then again, Love has always done its best work when it was said to be nailed, dead, and entombed.
—
Have a group interested in this topic? A couple of versions of this post also serve as interactive keynote sessions. I’d be happy to talk with you about presenting - let me know.
Theological Grounds for this Belief: In the Judeo-Christian tradition the theological grounding for this approach comes from Genesis 1 (the creation story) in which we read that God made humans “in God’s image.” Which is to say, every single person is an image-bearer of a God whose depths of love and goodness are infinite and mysterious. To see another human is to glimpse quite literally that God, which is why CS Lewis memorably observed that “we meet no ordinary people,” in this lifetime.
That’s not to say that the face-and-presence of God doesn’t get significantly obscured by our ways and words in this world. Even so… at an essential level, every single human being is made in the image of God. And a beloved image at that.
One way to tell if we have forgotten this and begun believing that some people are worthier of love than others? Try the Anne Lamott test: “You can safely assume you've created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do.”
A simple, brilliant facilitation question for a new group (and a long-time one, too!). Why? Because it invites the feeling of gratitude. It’s a question through which we slow down, review our week, and consider the good. Which, quite helpfully, quiets our often over-active amygdala (typically manifest in what we know as anxiety as we project about all the bad things that will happen in the future), and it allows our brain to access more of the prefrontal cortex where we think-and-act from a place of empathy, curiosity, imagination and all the other good things :)
Theological Grounds for Bonding: In the Judeo-Christian tradition, God’s people are considered a people. A flock. A family. We-ness is the DNA. In Christianity specifically, the people are called the Body of Christ - each person a ‘body part’ of the whole, with Christ himself as the head.
This is why the Apostle Paul famously wrote to a rather contentious and divided church in the city of Corinth with the following exhortation: “For indeed, the body does not consist of one member but of many… If all were a single member, where would the body be? As it is, there are many members, yet one body. The eye cannot say to the hand, 'I have no need of you,' nor again the head to the feet, 'I have no need of you.'" (1 Corinthians 12:14, 20-21).
Bottom line: for Christians, the call to ‘bond’ is really like saying, “Just be who you already are. You’re a body. You need each other. You get to have one another! Act like it (or suffer greatly as you limp along and fail to compensate for the part of the body you are unwilling to engage).”
Theological Grounds for Bridging: “God… reconciled us to himself through Christ and has given us the ministry of reconciliation.” (1 Corinthians 5:18). Which means Christians believe they are given by God the ‘ministry of reconciliation’ as a central '‘job description” for life on earth.
Or, again, perhaps even more simply and memorably Jesus exhorted the following: “Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you” (Matthew 5:44). He then went and taught, ministered, healed, and loved among quite literally all of the wrong people in ancient times - radical right-wing zealots, beholden-to-the-empire tax collectors, Samaritans/foreigners, lepers, beggars, religious-and-political elites and more.
Goodness, even in his final moments with his disciples before his crucifixion he heals the wounded ear of a Roman soldier who was arresting him. “Jesus did not heal because he believed the actions against him were just. The healing was a recognition of his enemy’s humanity, for there are moments to set aside politics and to see our opponents as fellow bearers of the image of God.”
Is it any wonder that perhaps the most famous verse in all of the Bible begins this way, “For God so loved the world…” Apparently, his early followers got the picture quite clearly. Love is the thing. And it’s for everybody. To be sure, love takes many forms and love does not always equal like… even so, it is the North Star for the human project and all of creation, and generally it is made known in and through rather significant sacrifice and grace.
I love this, Bobby! The challenge to listen for others' albums grabbed me. Thanks for sharing your experience-seasoned wisdom to help us navigate the mine field of this election season.
Insightful. Maybe we could broadcast this over every media outlet....